Raining Hammers
by little miss laugh alot x
Summary: Third place winner in Irish Froggy's THE MIKE CHALLENGE. Mike has a plan to steal Bella's heart. One-Shot.


**This is written for Irish Froggy's Mike Challenge. Enjoy :)**

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Today was the day. The day that should go down in history. Are you taking out your calendars yet? Because this is a big deal. Today is the day I'm going to ask out Bella Swan.

Yeah, I know, I know, she's already with Cullen. But would my name be Mike Newton if I didn't have a plan? Ha! I think not.

So here's the plan –

"Mike, who are you talking to?"

"Nobody, Jessica."

Alright, so when Bella gets here I'm just going to ease my way –

"Mike, aren't you going to walk me to class?"

"Not now Jessica," I answered through clenched teeth. She pouted, though her pout was pitiful next to Bella's. And Bella's pout was even cuter because she rarely even realized when she was doing it. Maybe it's not her pout, maybe it's her lips all together…

"Mike? Yoo-hoo? Why are your eyes getting all glassy looking?"

I shook my head quickly. "Bug off Jessica," I whispered, to quietly for her to hear.

"Excuse me? "

"I said, uh … stroganoff Jessica."

"Why would you say that?"

"I uh, had it for dinner last night, and I was just letting you know. You know what? How about I meet you inside?"

"Alright!" She jumps up and kisses my cheek. I try to disguise my cringe for a shiver and wrap my arms around myself.

"Sure is cold out here."

She raises her eyebrow and mutters something to herself before turning away.

Good, step one is completed, get rid of all things Jessica.

I pull out the list I have stashed in the pocket of my jeans, along with a pencil and my lucky rabbits foot.

I make a check next to number one, and scan down the list to number two. _#2: Locate Bella. _

I look up from my list and towards the parking lot. There she is, getting out of the silver car. I watch intently as she pulls nervously at the end of her pink sweater, like she could ever be at all flawed. I'm still staring as she begins to walk towards the school, the wind seems to like her mahogany hair as much as I do and it licks at the ends, tossing the auburn strands. Her cheeks are pink and I think she's biting her lip…

Dammit! Curse Cullen. He just appeared out of no where, wrapping his arm around her waist. Ugh, and now she's smiling up at him like he's god or something. That should be MY arm around her waist, that should be MY godlike face she looks up to. As soon as I think this, I swear I see Cullen stare at me. Had I just said that out loud? No. And even if I did, he's to far away to possibly hear me.

At first he looks upset, but then he grins, like somebody just told him the funniest thing he's ever heard. And then get this! He decides now would be a good time to take Bella by the hand, stop her, and smash his face into hers! It's disgusting! And Bella doesn't even object! She doesn't even realize she's being forced into an unhealthy relationship. The poor girl. He probably pays her to go out with him.

I snap out of it when they continue their journey towards the school. Bella's face is now even redder and she has this frantic look in her eyes. Poor, poor girl.

I look back down at my list and make a check next to step 2. Now on to 3! _#3 Stop Bella. _

Alright, deep breaths, I can do this.

"Um Mike?"

I jump back. I didn't know she was that close. I can't do this, I can't do this!

"Oh, uh, h-hey, Bella."

She smiles and stares at me for awhile. That's right, I knew it, she wants me. I grin back.

"Um Mike can you move? We have to get to class."

That's when I remember Cullen. I look up – darn he's still taller then me – and look back down when I see him on the verge of hysterias. Idiot, he doesn't even know I'm about to steal his girlfriend. Then again it's not really considered a girlfriend when YOU PAY HER TO BE SEENIN PUBLIC WITH YOU.

I stare a Bella a little while longer, and she becomes impatient. "Is there something you need to ask me, Mike?"

Oh right, mission capture Bella, I almost forgot.

I look back down to the list, alright I've completed 1, 2, 3, ON TO STEP 4!

_#4 Say Hello. _

I grin and look back at Bella. I shift from foot to foot quickly, straightening my posture and gently clearing my throat. "Hello, Bella."

She looks at me strangely, and then real slowly and unsurely shes says,"Hello, Mike."

I'm just beaming now. This is going swell!

On to step 5. _#5 Strike up interesting conversation._

"So," I begin, "Nice weather huh?"

Bella tilts her head to the side, and I watch hypnotized as her hair falls over to one side of her shoulder, the bare skin of her neck, just begging my to touch it with my lips…

OUCH! WHAT THE HELL –

I look around quickly, my gaze falling back onto Bella, but she's glaring at Cullen.

What the hell just happened? I was having a great conversation with Bella and then I felt something cold and hard smack into my face, but it only lasted for a millisecond. I rubbed my cheek and winced.

"Mike are you okay?" she asked in a worried tone. "I could go get you some ice." I saw her glare at Cullen, but he wasn't looking at her, he was glancing back towards the parking lot, though I swear I could see a smile on his lips.

"Um, no I'm fine, I don't even know what happened." I started to feel light-headed but remembered my mission and refused to leave without it's completion. I shook my head to get the blood flowing and glanced back at my list.

_#6 Ask her if she has plans for tomorrow night._

"So, Bella," I asked real smooth, "What are you doing tomorrow night?"

I check the list, still looking at her.

"Mike what's that?" She asks pointing to the list.

"Nothing," I said casually bringing my hands behind my back. "So, tomorrow night…"

"Sorry, Mike, tomorrow night is my wedding reh—" she stopped short, her eyes widening. "I mean my shedding rehearsal … seminar … thing."

"Shedding?"

"Uh yeah, I have a dog named … uh … Scooter! And Scooter has a horrible shedding problem, so every month, I take him to a Shedding rehearsal … seminar … thing … so they can teach him how to shed .. uh … properly?"

"Oh, that's too bad," I sigh. Poor Scooter. But with all the money Bella makes pretending to go out with Cullen, maybe she can pay to get his shedding problem fixed. I glance up at Cullen and his lips are pressed so hard together it's like he's going to explode. Does he find it funny that I know his secret?

In a desperate attempt to regain myself, I check the list again.

_#7 Get out armor suit … _nah.

_#8 Take her upon my noble stead … _too overdone.

_#9 Unclip her bra really slowly …_

OUCH! Holy crap, is it like raining hammers or something?!

"Mike what's wrong?"

"Uh nothing, but I think I should go see the nurse." I rub the top of my head, staggering slightly. I feel like a stupid little animal on one of those Whack a' Mole games.

"Do you need help getting there? –"

My day brightened considerably, I could see it now, Bella's arm wrapped around my torso as she helps me to the nurse's office, and then she stands by my bed, holding my hand, tears sliding down her cheeks, asking the nurse if I'm going to be okay.

"…Edward could carry you if you want."

My fantasy was shattered. Yeah right was I letting HIM help me. "No, no, I'm fine, just a little dizzy." I looked up uncertainly at the sky. I would have to check the weather forecast when I got home, I swear it said nothing about hammers…

I begin to walk in the direction of the nurse's office when a musical voice travels through my eardrum. "Oh, Mike?"

I turn back. What does Edward Cullen want? He disgusts me.

"First of all Bella, does not like rap. She is more into Debussy and classical music. And second of all, " he smirked, "Not that I am in any experience of this, but if I had to guess, I think she would much prefer non-flavored."

I furrowed my eyebrow and began to walk away. Cullen was crazy, what was he talking about? Non-flavored? …

OH MY GOD. I felt my face burning up as I walked away. I reached unsurely into my back pocket and pulled out the two things I had slipped in there this morning. Condoms. Plain and their new banana flavored.

You know, sometimes I wondered if Cullen could read my mind or something.

I laugh at myself and shake my head back and forth. Right! He can read minds! And secretly he's a blood thirsty vampire! Ha! And his sister Alice, SHE CAN SEE THE FUTURE. Wowowow (weird creepy music.)

(Sigh) I was definitely going to win Bella's heart, right after I stop watching late night TV.


End file.
